I have conveniently made a shopping list for everyone to purchase my christmas/hannukuh/birthday presents from. Due to the struggling economy I have selected items below the $300 mark out of consideration for your budget constraints. You’re welcome.
messenger bag:
Celestron Powerseeker, for looking into the sun:
‘nocs, for birdwatching and neighborwatching:
MET Jewelry (I don’t have a boyfriend and the immediate outlook is not promising, so someone has to pick up the slack in the jewelry department):
Moroccan tea set:
keyboard (full and weighted, more specifically):
Terrarium (didn’t know I needed this til jil told me):
In high school, I was briefly associated with an extracurricular club called S.H.O.U.T. – Students Helping Others to Understand Tobacco[1]. How I got involved with a topic I felt such indifference toward I do not recall. Someone probably convinced me that it was great resume fodder. Anyway. S.H.O.U.T. would schedule stings during the school’s lunch hour where the students go around to local businesses and attempt to illegally buy cigarettes. If anyone actually succeeds at doing so they are to inform the guilty business of the impending $300 fine. What high-schooler would volunteer their spare time for such a completely lame undertaking? The future raging alcoholics of eastern Washington, that’s who. (I’m fairly certain in retrospect that ciggarettes were the least of most S.H.O.U.T. participant’s problems). My first and only meeting attendance was a prep course for successfully suckering people into selling you ciggs. The teacher who ran the club advised the girls to wear lipstick and pull their hair back for the big day in order to look older. A list of cigarette brands was distributed and we were to all take turns doing a practice run-through of our script, which read “Hello, may I please have some insert cigarette brand?” I am called upon and I say in my most casual voice, “Hello, may I please have some Kools?” Everyone erupts into laughter and the teacher condescendingly says, “Kaeleigh, Kools are for black people.” I never returned. Thus ended my stint in anti-drug activism.
I am amused by all of the people who are reacting to the new health care bill with, “that’s it, I’m moving” because, are you moving to Qatar? Every place in the world where you would actually want to live has a health care system that you hate.
Read em and weep:
Key details of health overhaul bill
The House health care bill passed Saturday would do the following:
» Require most Americans to purchase health insurance or pay a fine.
»Expand health care coverage to 36 million more people over the next decade.
»Require employers with payrolls above $500,000 to provide insurance to their employees or pay a fine.
»Prohibit insurance companies from denying coverage because of pre-existing medical conditions.
»End premium disparities between men and women.
»Impose a 5.4 percent income tax surcharge on income above $500,000 annually for individuals and above $1 million annually for households.
»Establish a government-run insurance plan to compete with private insurers beginning in 2013.
»Cost $1.2 trillion over 10 years.
»Cut Medicare spending by more than $400 billion over 10 years.
The Associated Press
How did Utah vote? A trio of nos
»R Utah’s House members voted against passage of the Affordable Health Care for America Act.
Rob Bishop » R, ‘no’
Jim Matheson » D, ‘no’
Jason Chaffetz » R, ‘no’
No where does this provide that the upper-tax bracket pay for my abortions. Democracy fails me again. I AINT PAYIN FOR THE LOW-INCOME LAZY JACKASSES OF THE WORLD TA GET DOCTORED, YOU KEEP THE HEALTH PLAN AND I’LL KEEP THE CHANGE, etc. Wait, I qualify as low-income? Nevermind. Play on, Pelosi. On to senate! Long live public option. Conclusive fragment.
Here are some pictures of the apartment (shall I say, “garbage dump”) that Natalie, Rachael, and I shared before we broke up. We documented it with pictures…because we were so proud? Only a serious meth addiction could justify this decor, but our meth usage was strictly recreational.
I’ve decided to post old stuff from ye ole myspace blog so I can delete it. This material is not really worth preserving, but I’m going to go ahead and publish it for my posterity.
I live in a hotel.
online customer reviews of The Plaza:
“This hotel brings new meaning to the word scummy. Located next to the greyhound bus station, if you stay here you will be located with the following… (1). Transients looking for cigarettes near the lobby area (begging you for money). (2) Prostitutes going into the hotel to meet with their clients. (3) The worst restaurant in Salt Lake “J.B.’s” located inside the hotel. (4) Last but not least you will witness several confrontations with drunken transients near the lobby entrance. This hotel is just scummy. The furniture does not match and the carpet is all torn up. The rooms are old and outdated. We have never been so insulted. If you stay here you ar either really brave or really stupid. The rates are high and you will leave feeling like you have just been mugged. Without question this is the worst hotel in Salt Lake. AWFUL! AWFUL! AWFUL!”
“The bedding was dirty with mustard, ketchup stains and who knows what else.”
“Extreme constant noise (screaming and banging) last night.”
“This place was horrible. It was my honeymoon and there were no gift baskets available so we got a voucher for breakfast, which turned out to be disgusting.”
“With a name like the Plaza Hotel, I pictured something very nice. Instead, it was noticeably old and outdated. There was a loud explosion at 2 am that could’ve raised the dead. Very concerning!”
“Terrible hotel. I travel 200+ nights a year and stay in hotels and this hotel was definately in the top two worst.”
“Luckily we did not have to spend too much time in the room, which I found depressing. Dark, old decorations and furniture. Air conditioner blows extremely loudly all night, toilet ran. Fridge didn’t work. Ice machine didn’t work. Showerhead leaked. Bathroom light is on a TIMER! TV was fuzzy. Elevators were slow. Pool was grubby and FREEZING. JBS, next door, has slow service and barely adaquate food. Front desk clerks know nothing. The “balcony” is about 14 inches wide- you can’t even stand sideways, let alone sit!”
“There’s construction going on all around until about 10:30 pm. Then the air in the plumbing started to make very constant and loud noises. This went on all night long. Then at about 5:00 am, the construction began again.”
Never in my life have I seen such a phenomenon as we Americans are seeing take place right now. It seems that President Barack Obama is constantly in our face, whether it be television news and entertainment shows, e-mail and the Internet, radio, newsprint and on and on. This man seems to have an insatiable craving for public attention. Or is it that as they see their numbers falling, the president and his Democrat machine are getting so intensely desperate that this strategy is seen as necessary to bolster support for the sliding administration. It reminds me of the cinematic great imperial leader from on high addressing his poor, ignorant subjects.
I can hardly wait until 2012 when maybe — just maybe — the American people will have wised up and see through this man. However, my hopes for either party are growing dim. It seems like we will always love lies better than truth.
Steve Cannon
Salt Lake City
Ubiquitous Obama
Updated: 10/02/2009 06:47:34 PM MDT
I couldn’t agree more with Steve Cannon’s assessment on President Barack Obama and his media saturation (“In our face,” Forum, Sept. 29). Every time I turn on the news, there he is, telling us what he is doing. He doesn’t seem to want to just “take care” of these issues without keeping us — or Congress — unnecessarily informed. Didn’t we elect him to “just handle it” so we don’t have to think about these things?
There he is one minute, meeting with citizens to explain the need for health care reform, the next he’s meeting with leaders from the Middle East seeking for a solution to the Israel-Palestine crisis, then he’s at the United Nations promoting American interests. Who in the hell does he think he is … the president of the United States?
Maybe in 2012 we can elect someone less ostentatious. Someone who won’t worry about the constitutionality of their actions or trouble us citizens with the nasty details of secret policies. Then we can just go back to watching our regular television programs, and everything will be fine.
I like to fully commit myself to Halloween. I tend to take it in the opposite direction from my peers in that I make an effort to make myself look worse than I do in my day-to-day lifem,and I do this by dressing as generally unattractive celebrities. Last year I was a Jonas:
And then the year before I nailed the Amy Winehouse:
But this year is going to be the greatest feat of them all:
Actually, the greater challenge is probably going to be Jil’s because she’s going to have to go blackface.
Does anyone have a wooden cane I can borrow? Or a rolling whiteboard?
Today will be 50 with a chance of snow! Go fig. Last night’s lightning was cool as hell, man. Weather report courtesy of the itsastrangemagic.wordpress.com meteorology team.
I don’t think anyone cares when I post music (or anything else for that matter), but I’m gonna do it again anyway. Cuz it’s my damn blog– love it or leave it. To hell with all of you, here’s some rainy day music.
Do you ever find yourself annoyed at the inconvenience of having to pull over and wait for an ambulance or fire truck to pass you? And then you’re like, oh yeah, somewhere someone’s dying.
Jil and Valori have abandoned me for NY and yet this house is full of people right now. You’d be surprised at how many homeless squatters they associate with.
You know, when I made this blog I didn’t set out to be the internet haven for all things Jennifer Love Hewitt, but the universe willed it so and thusly verily it has come to pass. Here are the stats for what people are searching to find this blog:
Look at the freaks that are inadvertently finding me. Puffy Nipples with 205? And you should know that Puffy Nipple (singular) just missed the top 13 with 116 searches. I have yet to discuss puffy nipples here, despite my wealth of knowledge on the subject. And Taylor Lautner has never been so much as mentioned on this site; in fact I thought that was a girl until I just looked it up. Well let me tell you, the idea that so many people are leaving here unsatisfied just doesn’t jive well with me. So since this is fastly becoming the internet’s Taylor Lautner resource, I figure I should give the people what they want. Without further adieu:
Here’s his biography that I found on imbd:
Taylor Lauter was born Lauren Taylor in the year 1992. He was born into the Idaho northern shishone tribe and began operating his own buffet counter at the reservation’s 2nd to 6th most successful casino at the age of 10. His prodigious culinary career ended abruptly when some poorly prepared shrimp that was traced (allegedly) to his cart resulted in the cancellation of Collective Soul’s labor day performance. Shunned from the reservation, he sought refuge at the Los Angeles Institute of Mimery. He initially found success in the field, until he progressed to the intermediate classes only to find that his mimed boxes would never meet the standard of the LAIM’s headmistress (whom Taylor referred to as “head bitch”) and she consequently pulled his scholarship. Distraught and homeless, Taylor kept himself afloat the best way he knew how: discreet nightly favors for the elderly. As luck would have it, Ang Lee’s grandmother was his best customer. She ended up hiring Taylor for Ang’s 54th birthday. Ang was impressed, and made Taylor into a huge movie star who to this day he makes the elderly women swoon. They troll the internet nightly for obscure blogs mentioning his name. Taylor currently resides with his alpaca in Irvine, CA. He ended up getting a pretty serious urinary tract infection last year.
A while back, Amelia introduced me to Shiantology.com : where I go to meet like-minded people and display all of my previously unappreciated shia labeouf artwork (lovingly referred to on the site as “Creashians” or “ShiArt”). My favorite would have to be the labeouf-pattinson conglomerate piece. Read ‘em and weep.
So I don’t know if writing something on your blog makes it legally binding, but my family can take note that this is a fine example of how I would like my remains to be treated and displayed. Instead of placing them in a church, however, I would like to be located in the entrance of the Crown Burger on 200 S.
And I figured out how I’m going to die when I was at the state fair. They had a windowed semi-truck full of sharks on display. I want to get in an accident with said truck (highly probable) and then have the sharks finish the job.
It really doesn’t sit well with me when people utilize their children to further their cause. I don’t know, though, because this seems okay:
But the rest of these really don’t:
Maybe it’s because the kid in the first picture made his own sign and appears to understand what it’s for? I don’t know, call me old fashioned… I think that 6 year olds shouldn’t have to be worried about the trading of human organs or our national debt. No need to bring such things to their consciousness for a while. Perhaps I’m wrong. But it’s still upsetting to see them being strategically used for emotional impact. And as far as tacking a poster behind your 6 mo. old baby’s head goes …just don’t do it. Bottom line: babies can’t protest, and you just don’t know– your baby might just be totally for debt. Don’t assume your baby holds your same convictions; just because it can’t talk doesn’t mean it doesn’t have it’s own opinion concerning the privitization of social security.
I’ve attempted to preserve what I can of my own sanity by abstaining from television over the last few years. I will usually wait until my next visit home where my parents have recorded everything worth watching (plus much worth not watching, i.e., Two and a Half Men), and I’ll fill my tele quota for the entire year within a couple of days. Well, moving in with Bossi changed the entire ballgame. These people love their TV more than Elizabeth Hasslebeck loves third trimester abortions (she loves them). Yesterday, we watched:
-4 hours (!) of House
-2 hours of Design Star
-1 hour of Hoarders
And there aren’t signs of stopping anytime soon, as I’ve committed myself mind, body and soul to finishing 5 seasons of House. Bosses are also enabling my burgeoning hoarding tendencies, as all of this television watching has hindered my ability to set up my room and cease living out of the boxes still covering my floor. I solemnly watch hoarders with a deep fear of my own imminent reality when animal control discovers 35 cat carcasses amid my room squalor and I’m begging them to let me keep 13 out of the 74 one-eyed feral cats that are found barely alive.
I think that the solution to a lot of my problems right now begins with getting a new bike.
It’s weird how the invention of the internet hasn’t made everyone a total genius. In fact, it’s made most people with access exponentially lazier. Back in the old days (1992) if you had a spontaneous question you just had know the answer to, like, “how old is Denis Leary*?” you would have had to drag yourself to the public library and see if they had any Denis Leary publications. I hazily remember my middle school days when doing a report still meant necessary library research. These days, kids can wait until midnight the night before and then just AskJeeves about it (or maybe that’s just my strategy and I’m underestimating everyone else). After so many glorious years of internet access, everyone should know everything about everything. However, it is not so. The problem is that, as a people, we are more apt to research porn or homestarunner or collegehumor or perezhilton or etc. than quantum chemistry during our free time. I wonder how dead chemists feel about the results of their efforts, seeing as it’s all currently available for anyone in the world to see yet their wikipedia page recieves 100% less visits than McCully Culkin’s. Today in my behavioral ecology class, I thought to myself, ”It’s so tragic how Chucky D. spent his life doing the evolution business, Mendel spent his life hybridizing garden peas, E.O. Wilson spent his life studying ant sociobiology, and all of the these other people spent thier entire lives studying one very specific thing so that they could possibly contribute something; yet here I am just sitting in a classroom being told about the results of all these peoples’ lifetime work and all I can think about is how much I want a sandwhich.”
Unfortunately we have experienced an emergency evacuation during our class today. Supposedly we should resume the class after the alarm was over. However, only one of you return to the class so I have to cancel the class.
Anyhow, just remind you that for any event like this in the future, please do not simply leave the area.
Due to the interrupt today, I would like to postpone all homeworks due on Wednesday (Sep. 02) to this coming Friday (which means the new due day of homeworks will be September 4).
I went to my Meteorology class today. My professor is a nice Chinese woman named Dr. Pu (poo.) She is difficult to understand. Molecules = muh-lick-you-lulls, kelvin= karen, area = errrr, etc. Today she began lecturing and the fire alarm went off. She immediately began hyperventilating. We all (there are 6 other people in my class) just kind of sat there and stared for a while (awkward to the max). Then my classmates had to carry her down 8 flights of stairs. Evidentally the AC man had accidentally set off the alarm.
The ironic moment of the day was when I passed a classroom door that had a note attached saying:
”Health Care in America” has been cancelled
indeed.
Comments on this week’s P.R.
-I really like Shirin, but her cutsey voice sucks.
The homeless of Salt Lake City are seeking refuge behind my place of business, as evidenced by the fresh batch of human fecal matter we happened upon the other day. So we created a sign; something to the effect of ‘do not defecate on these premises.’ The next day we were left a plea of innocence scrawled on a piece of cardboard (I’m sorry I accidentally cut some of it off):
Translation:
I Wade John Miles did not shit on the back porch
Yes I do sleep here often
I try to always clean up after myself
Thank you and also keep smiling always no matter what
Valori Boss is a local artist sponsored by itsastrangemagic.wordpress.com. It’s only right that we should allow her some blog space. For pricing information, contact her agent at kaeleighkaeleigh@aol.com.
1) I went to Washington for Rachael’s wedding. Pics (short for pictures) here
2) Moving into the Boss House (hence my current lack of internet access. I write to you now from the desk of the Salt Lake Art Center.)
3) Trying to come up with $2000 before monday so that I might school
4) Loving that Project Runway is back on– it is my world.
5) Lamenting that I just found out this library is in the Rijksmuseum and I didn’t see it when I was there:
6) Bidding on a slew of antique busts on eBay (including this mozart that I won for $10), further compounding my tuition dilemma:
7) waiting for the Peter Popoff miracle spring water sample that Jil ordered to come in so that God can free up some funds for me and rid me of my crystal meth addiction
I really want to buy one of these and place it prominently in the middle of my living room table so that the following scenario will play out:
new acquaintance visiting apartment: WOW, what’s that?
*dramatic pause*
me: it’s a f***ing cobra wrestling a mongoose.
Finally saw 500 Days of Summer today– thought it was great. However, I may have been easy to please because the last movie I had watched was Labor Pains (starring Lindsay Lohan), and that will lower your standards. And how.
On the television front, Wife Swap’s where it’s at right now as far as I’m concerned. Today we watched this episode featuring an Iowa family that inexpicably lives on a diet of raw chicken:
“But a growing number of policy makers say that the world’s rising temperatures, surging seas and melting glaciers are a direct threat to the national interest.”
California falling into the pacific is against national interest? Well then, why are we talking about it instead of fighting somebody? I vote Ghana, because those suckers burn rainforests like it’s their job (it is most of their jobs). Whatever happened to preemptive striking, people? Or am I not in America right now? Also, I would be curious to see a list of our national interests, because I was never personally polled, here.
“Such climate-induced crises could …feed terrorist movements”
So… just for my clarification, we aren’t concerned about the crises themselves?
And I think it’s always threatening to national security to publish potential threats to national security on the front page of the NYT; just kind of seems self-defeating is all I’m sayin.
All in all, a glaring moment of weakness for America.
1.Never expose weakness
2.Never admit defeat
3.Livestrong
4.No regrets
5.No fear
6.If you can’t run with the big dogs get on the porch with the pups
7.God bless America and the Coalition of the Willing.
(that was a comprehensive list of my national interests for all politicians reading this.)
Yesterday at work I had a conversation so ridiculous that I was convinced one of my friends was on the other line:
Utah symphony and opera, this is kaeleigh
What shows are tonight?
There’s a chamber symphony performance at Temple Har Shalom in Park City.
Teskaparkapone?
Temple Har Shalom?
Petertartatone?
……..
spell it, I’m gonna google it.
T-E-M-
G???
-T-
P?!??
T as in Tom. E as in Ed.
G???!???
…. okay. Do you know our website? It’s on the website.
Oh, okay. Hang on a sec.*20 seconds later*Here it is. Templahasalome. I’m looking at it. It looks like a church or something. (the website provides a picture of a large building with a star of david on top.)
yeah.
What is this, like, Muslim?
I’m convinced this is a joke at this point so I pause for a good 5 seconds so as to allow my friend to reveal their identity to me.
Jewish, actually
JEWISH?!?! Woah…. So they’re playing Jewish music?
It’s just a chamber symphony performance.
So it’s a Jewish opera. (?!??)
uhh… well, what it is is a chamber symphony performance. Like Beethoven and Stravinsky.
Ohhh so the people playing the instruments are all Jewish. hmmmm…
…no. Did you want to buy tickets?
Do I have to be Jewish to get in?
It’s a symphony performance, like they have at Abravanel Hall, except for that it’s at a different place. Same thing, though.
Oh, no, I don’t want to see that.
……………………..
……………………….
alright….well….bye then….
*heavy sigh* …………….I might be calling back later *click*
–end scene–
So if that actually was one of you, I just wanted to say thanks. All I know is that someone has inspired me to write a Jewish Opera for the good people of Park City.
I have developed a Darwinian adaptaion to help myself to cope with awkwardness. I think if you try this out you’ll see that it works. So here’s the trick: after a painfully uncomfortable situation, (say, someone trys to hold a door open for you but you tragically mistime the situation [because it turns out to be a handicapped (thusly ultra-heavy) door] therefore you unfortunately end up walking right into said person), what you need to do is cinematically replay the scenario in your mind, but with a pleasant song from your favorite rom-com movie soundtrack. When you do the playback, watch your self-perception change from “I am painfully socially awkward” to “I am so charmingly quirky. A regular Diane Keaton.”
Without further adieu, some paintings by local sorcerous Edie Roberson:
Nooooo its not the Marlboro Man its a squirrly little dude with a cowboy hat smokin a cigarette. Hi actually you are bidding on a grey squirrel shoulder mount this is a custom mount on a form that I designed it has the head and shoulders for a more realistic look I added a little cowboy hat ,bandana, and a little cigarette ,They would make great cowboy gifts or just a real good conversation piece. I would like you to check my 100% feedback and see how pleased every one has been with my squirrels so you can bid with confidence.
Hay is that Juan Valdez the Columbian coffee Guy NAW just a squirrly little dude with a straw hat on, Hi actually you are bidding on a grey squirrel I just added a little straw hat, bandana,I even added a little ciggarett in his mouth just adds a little caracter.I would like you to check my 100% feedback and see how pleased every one has been with my squirrels so you can bid with confidence.
Could that be Rambo naw just a squirrley little dude with a Gi Joe gun. Hi actually you are bidding on a grey squirrel I added a little army helmet Gi Jo gun, and a little cigarett in his mouth which can be removed( just adds a little caractor),This is a top quality mount as you can see buy the pictures.They are mounted on and attractive wood plaque stained and sealed and a nice hanger on the back. . I would like you to check my 100% feed back and see how pleased every one has been with my squirrels so you can bid with confidence.I ship quickly most arrive in 2 or 3 days.
I call this one Old Poker Face you can stare him in the eyes for hours and you will never see him blink he’s the best I have ever seen. Hi actually you are bidding on a mounted grey squirrel wearing a Cowboy hat a bandana around his neck a ciggarett in his mouth (which can be removed just makes him look more like a poker player)He is holding four of a kind and a joker they are real cards not the thin paper ones the Old bubble gum machine cards.He is mounted on a stained and sealed wood plaque with a metal hanger on the back this is a top quality mount as you can see from the pictures. I would like you to check my feedback and see how pleased every one has been with my squirrels so you can bid with confidence
Hear me out: I can do Samantha Brown’s job so much better than Samantha Brown. I want for you to fund my travels around the world; in return I’ll snake charm your television audience. John 4:83– know thine enemy. I looked up her credentials on wikipedia, and do you know what? Bitch don’t have any. She graduated from some obscure college with a degree in musical theatre. This isn’t surprising though, because anyone can see from watching 1 minute of her show that she doesn’t know one damn language. In the first few minutes of her Paris episode she’s all, “the only thing you’ll need to know how to say in French is ‘I want.’” Then the rest of the thing is her wandering around with that goofy-ass smile asking people for stuff. I can do that. How bout letting someone sexier with endless cosmopolitan charm (me) step up the plate, travel channel? But consider yourself warned: don’t put me on tv if you hate money. Check my resume:
Signing up for summer classes might have been a little ambitious. Next week is the last of the semester. I am, as they say in the old country, “screwed”. Gottalotta papers that need to be written, gottalotta assignments overdue, have a few tests to cram for. I don’t know when this is going to happen, looking at my 50 hour work-week schedule. God help me. Anyways, just spent some time doin this artwork for all y’all:
My last.fm radio station is for whatever reason convinced that I’m French. I suppose it knows me better than I know myself. I’m a little surprised by how much I like the music of that one shameless trollop married to france’s main dude.
Fashion parlour Mango’s clothing usually communicates an attitude of ‘I’m exotic and a little crazy’, which is why I loved Penelope Cruz as their spokeswoman. Their catalogs were ineffective at showing the product being sold because they consisted entirely of sultry P.Cruz headshots:
I don’t know what she’s wearin, but I’ll buy it. Anything to help me look dangerous, mysterious and spanish.
But those days are gone. This week, they’ve announced Scarlett Johansson as the new face of Mango:
I have a problem with this. Maybe it’s just the overload of animal prints, but coupled with my preexisting sentiments about ScarJo being a crazy hussy, these pictures reek to me of desperation. (Also, what’s with the Jersey hair?)Mango, if you don’t be careful you’ll lose my business, which equates to one less scarf sold per year. Tread lightly.
The other night Jil, Valori and I were having a panel discussion about bees, and I was trying to express the extent of their sluttiness. Jallorian’s disbelief turned us to youtube, where we cautiously searched for “bee sex.” We found this video, and then proceeded to watch the rest of the green pornos together. Family bonding. There is no explicit content, but Isabella Rossellini’s gyrating action might be unsettling. So it’s safe for work, if you work in a porn factory.
I am a young modern thriving in Salt Lake City, Utah. I believe that the secret to life is excellent dental hygiene and that the resolution to the conflict in the middle east has something to do with bread pudding.
