“People who wear Ed Hardy merchandise are ______ . “

Sometimes I will stop myself mid-sentence and attempt to come up with an equally impactful yet more PC euphemism for “retarded,” but unfortunately end up only emphasising my distasteful word choice with a dramatic pause.  Does the english language have a suitable alternative? Maybe that’s the answer though, maybe I just say the word “retarded” in a different language, which would be both seemingly less ignorant and seemingly more intelligent.  As of this moment, I am not aware of any synonyms with the ability to convey the same degree of displeasure for certain situations. For instance, going to KFC for dinner only to to told they’re out of chicken for the night is stupid; breaking your finger only to later discover that the insurance company considers your emergency room finger repair job an unnecessary procedure is retarded.  Someone correct me if I’m wrong.

MUMMIFY Cat – $400

Thank you Amelia for bringing this to my attention:

“THIS IS A MUMMIFY CAT IN VERY GOOD CONDITION WITH ALL THE DETAILS I HAVE HAD IT FOR ABOUT 50 YEARS DO NOT KNOW WERE IT CAME FROM I GOT IT FROM MY BROTHER IN A OLD DECOMPOSED BOX AND I HAD A NEW DISPLAY BOX MADE FOR IT 28 INCHES LONG 14 WIDE 6 INCHES DEEP……BILL 801-859-9008″

Guess the Artist

#1:

#2:

#3:

#4:

#5:

#6:

#7:

Answer: Adolf Hitler

 

Huh.

Fuzzy Memories

Fashion Place Mall

Dolphin and Star of David wind ornament. (It was difficult for me to capture both aspects of the wind ornament in a photograph due to it’s spinning nature).

Well that’ s just convenient

Me Gusta

Fuzzy Memories

Barron’s Test Prep: “We Can Only Do So Much”

Presumably, if you are taking the GRE you have weathered at least four years of college coursework and think yourself capable of getting into grad school.  This is why it was distressing to me when I cracked open my GRE prep book and saw this on the first page:

 

If a computer mouse eludes you, you have bigger problems than getting into grad school and should be grateful to have passed the third grade, let alone to have recieved a college degree.

I want to show up to the take the test wearing a lab coat and SARS mask. I will promptly sit down at my computer and begin hysterically banging the mouse against the table until it breaks.  After half an hour of  silently sobbing I will stand up and calmly leave, removing my lab coat on the way out and placing it on the reception desk.  If only I had an audience to appreciate such performances… if only.

Roborama

Conciertos!

Here I will supply you with alternative entertainment options for this summer, because I cannot be everywhere all the time. For most of these, Momma K can get you in for the price of free (so the Gallivan plaza ones are already free, but you still have to go with me).

July 8- Bon Iver & Jenny Lewis

July 13- Andrew Bird & DCFC

July 16- Black Keys

July 18- ABBA: The Symphonic Hits

July 22- Mozart’s Last and Beethoven’s First

July 23- M. Ward

July 30- Sonic Youth

July 31- Air Supply

August 5- Chamber Music at Temple Har Shalom

August 6- Q-Tip

August 8- Bravo Broadway

August 20- Iron & Wine

August 23- The Pretenders & Cat Power

Deer Valley Concerts

Twilight Conert Series

Red Butte Garden Concerts

 

Hit a sister up!!

Tips on Using the Toilet

Is this guy for real? It gets extra informative around 3:55:

In separate but related news, I need to get a new layout because I’ve been getting feedback that  this website in its entirety has been making computers spontaneously combust due to an overload of highly concentrated awesomeness.  But as a public note to Sarah Anderson: considering the suspects of itsastrangemagic.wordpress.com or NakedAsianMenOnHorseback.org doing the hard drive damage, I don’t think I’m the guilty party here.  Just sayin.

<3<3<3 Kaeleigh

Seemingly Excessive

I am a simple woman who does not necessitate a lot of space, thus my apartment is no larger than 5′x5′.  When my landlord told me he would be taking out the swamp cooler and putting in an AC unit, I was all “whatev,  I can take it or leave it.”  Well, I think he ended up asking the gentleman who works the deep-fryer at Crown Burger to do the installation, because it took him no less than 5 visits and about 40 total hours to get it up an goin (my roommate will testify that this is not an overexaggeration.)  So here is the finished product:

WOW does my closet-sized apartment not need that large of an AC.  Notice the gaping hole on the left, also.  Then this is sitting out on our fire escape:

 I turn on the fan for five minutes and the place is perfectly chilled for the rest of the day.   I tested it out on ’high’ , and let me tell you that I can not imagine any climatctic conditions save the firey inferno of the apocalypse that would ever require me to use that setting.  Every time I turn it on I think of this:

“You people need to brush up on your patriotism”

PLUG: XtraNormal.com

This is addicting. 

These videos are rated PG-13 for adult language.  You just can’t not make the robot voice curse.  You can’t not.

Au Revoir Simone does private show for Natalie’s birthday

Not really-but almost-since it was at Kilby Court and that forsaken shed makes things probably a lot more intimate than the bands would like:

(Sorry bout my attention span problem.)

Today something incredible happened; something less common even than a Pete Doherty bath (which you can see here): I didn’t have to work at any one of my several jobs.  This worked out great because I have midterms on Monday as well as a paper due that I have yet to start.  However, my new harmonica wasn’t going to play itself, so I did this instead (DISCLAIMER: don’t watch if you at all enjoy The Beatles):

 

It’s a little rough around the edges, but there is clay there to be molded.  If I have to sacrifice my sleep for practice time on Harptabs.com, well, I just have to.  I’m a woman with her priorities in order.

Au Revoir Simone- All or Nothing

Where’s My Spencer?

Am I embarassed to be looking at Heidi and Spencer pictures at the school computer lab? Only slightly… only slightly.

Obsession as of late

Polish movie posters:

Pardon the Absence

I haven’t written because I’ve been in New York.  I don’t know what to say about it because it would be too overwhelming for me to sum up the entire trip in a post.  Here’s the cliffsnoted version:

- Museums

-Guggenheim

-MoMA

-MET

-Frick

-American Museum of Natural History

-Fine Dining

-Pastis

-Nobu

-High tea at the MET and Central Park

-Grimaldi’s

-Entertainment

-In The Heights on broadway

-Birdland

-Upright Citizens Brigade: ASSSSCAT

-Letterman

-Obligatory Tourist Activities

-Empire State Building

-Central Park

-Walkin Brooklyn Bridge

-Drowning prostitute in East River

-Public library

-Shopping

-nuf said

Despite the fact that I appear utterly alone in all of these pictures, I spent the week with Mi Mami:

 I didn’t kill her, she didn’t kill me, and I only made her cry once. 

Here’s the problem: I took 1,100 pictures in 9 days.  I’m not kidding.  I’m posting some (a fraction of the total) on my facebook (if you’re not friends with me, sucks to be you). 

I’d like to take this time to thank our top sponsor, Brett Forsyth, for his generous contributions toward the itsastrangemagic.wordpress.com business traveling account.   Your sponsorship is necessary in this time of economic instability.  Bet your bottom dollar I’m getting you a room at Shady Acres with a window; or at least a well-lit space with sufficient ventilation and quick access to the duck pond.

I must go and work on catching up with everything (I missed two weeks of school, my apartment has fallen into a state of complete disrepair, someone stole my bike tubes–just the tubes–and took my front tire off, and I am back to working all day every day).  I need a vaction.

Also, know that I’m going to start posting less pictures of myself.  That’s getting ridiculous.

A.V.B.C.

Almost every night I bike a dozen or so miles across town, show up at Jallorian’s doorstep and demand to be entertained.  They’ll play a movie I haven’t seen to keep me distracted, since one of them is usually entangled in some kind of a date situation.  I decided to refer to this phenomenon collectively as the “Audio Visual Bicycling Club,” since there are usually three people (+1) involved and that’s enough for me to justify ‘club’ status.   There are other less frequent but equally prioritized components to the AVBC as well, such as symphony attendance and hot dog consumption.  If you are interested in joining the AVBC, e-mail an essay of interest to val_bbcal@hotmail.com, and include three references.

Carnival Evening

To Save You All From Future Embarassment…

Corn is actually a fruit.

You heard it here.

The Near Death Experience Archives

These are great.

Here is a taste:

“After my NDE, I knew that my mission was to work with children.  I knew I needed to open another dungeon and dragons den.  In June, 2002, I felt touched.  I had had enough of the family gathering and went to get pizza from a place I had never been to.  What I saw was the empty store across from the pizza place.  I said no way.  My rational mind was saying that the town was too small and could not support a den.  But, here it was.  There were at least 40 children on the right, and 30 children on the left of the empty store.  I knew this was where I would build the den that was part of my reason for coming back to earth.  The next day, I rented the space and on June 22, 2002 (on the summer solstice), Cody’s Castle was opened.”

Fuzzy Memories

Circa 2004-

Jessica Garcia and I decided it was disgustingly ignorant to have grown up surrounded by Native American reservations without ever having made an attempt to learn about their culture.  We wanted to participate in some kind of authentic experience; tribal pow wow, hook suspension ceremony, vision quest, etc.  One fine summer day, we scheduled an educational field trip to Yakima (the palm springs of Washington) to visit the local rez.  We drove for an hour to get there, headed straight into their mall, took these pictures, and drove back home.

On This Day in 1984…

Valori Boss joined us here on this crazy spaceship we call Earth.  The itsastrangemagic.wordpress.com technical team would like to extend the warmest of birthday wishes.  May you live to see 25 more, Valori.

Last night concluded the GSLBF with a proverbial “bang.”  We (Natalie Mitchell DDS and I) went prowlin for owls and heard some flammulated, saw-whets, and a one: great-horned.  More importantly, we took these pictures in the parking lot beforehand:

Great Salt Lake Bird Festival: Day Two

Day two: Wildlife Biologist Prof.Natalie Mitchell and I conquer the Jordanelle wetlands. Wetlands, in Utah? Yes; or at least five acres of man-made wetland habitat complete with convenient wooden boardwalk:

Close nuf to Florida, I say. We found out we were playing in the big leagues when we were told we would be birding by ear. Boy did I feel like a prize jackass when I mistakenly suggested to the group that a warbling vireo was a marsh wren. Embarassing!!

I’m too lazy to transcribe the birds we identified like I was lame enough to do yesterday, but suffice to say it was a decisive success.

Then that night we went to see some Conchords (see what I did there?)

(Picture taken from hubble telescope)

Tonight we embark on an Owl Prowl, God willing.

Great Salt Lake Bird Festival: Day One

Fellow orinthologist Dr.Valori Boss and I went on a field trip to Glover Ponds at sunrise today.

We were of course helpless, but our elderly colleagues took us under their wings (pun?) and one of them even lent us their dad’s binoculars from WWII. Here is a comprehensive list of the birds we identified for all who need to know:
-Western Grebe (Aechmophorus occidentalis)
-Pelican (Pelecanus erythrorhynchos)
-Blue Heron (Ardea herodias)
-Snowy Egret (Ardea alba)
-Black-Crowned Night Heron (Nycticorax nycticorax)
-Wood Duck (Aix sponsa)
-Ruddy Duck (Oxyura jamaicensis)
-Coot (Fulica americana)
-Killdeer (Charadrius vociferus)
-Avocet (Recurvirostra americana)
-Forster’s Tern (Sterna forsteri)
-Marsh Wren (Cistothorus palustris)
-Yellow-Headed Blackbird (Xanthocephalus xanthocephalus)
-Sandhill Crane (Grus canadensis)

We would have stayed for the bird calling competition but alas I must work at the opera tonight. Stay tuned.

PLUG: goodreads.com

I love keeping track of my books online, because:

1) It is gratifying to go through best-of lists and triumphantly mark those you’ve conquered as “already read” (even if they were only cliffs noted for a high school class)

2) It is convenient to have somewhere to keep a list of the books you want to someday-possibly-when-if-there’s-ever-time read because whenever you do finally have time it’s guaranteed that you’ll forget what they were until you’re too busy again.

3) The feeling of updating a book’s status from “currently reading” to “already read”… bliss.

SMYMFW: Baby

VeeBee’s got skillz to pay the billz

The only people who look at this blog have already seen these, but they’re so KA I’m posting them here anyway if only to honor Valroi.  I’ve never called her VeeBee before; thought I’d test the waters with that one.

And there are millions more. 

Pardon the cheese, but life sure is great when you have great friends, huh?

Not Studying For Finals, On Principle

I saw this video on this site the other day:

And was of course immediately reminded of ghost from Christmas past Ben Wellsfry.  He responded with this:

Now if only he can be convinced to recreate edarem’s other 108 videos.

Muzak

I wish I had musical talent.  Granted, I’ve never tried.  But I wish I were prodigious and didn’t have to learn or practice and could just inherently sing like this person:

Maybe there’s still hope?

I’m going to make a music video this summer and I have faith that the rest will follow, in due time.  In due time.

Where’s Mrs.Gumbold?

May Play!(list)

May Play(list)

Book Review: Act Like A Lady, Think Like A Man by Steve Harvey

You can imagine my surprise/confusion when I opened a package I had recieved from my father and this book was inside.   After spending a couple of minutes wondernig whether or not it was supposed to be a joke, I decided to call for clarification.  The conversation went as follows:

Me: dad, what is this

Brett:  Steve Harvey was on Oprah the other day (?) talking about this book and he had some great insight!  I was impressed.

Me: I don’t understand.

Brett:  For instance, think about this: If you go to work for Ford Motors, you don’t recieve employee benefits until you’ve been working there for three months.  So why would you give out benefits before three months?

Me: …….    I gotta go.

Despite that upsetting phone call, I decided to crack the book open and am I a better woman for it.  I had dismissed Steve Harvey as a source of advice due to his career as a comedian, only to find out he’s got credibility up to ying-yang.  A)He has been in relationships B)His friends have been in relationships.  So why not write a book, I ask you?  And thank god he did.

Steve Harvey posits that women have become so smart and successful that they’re intimidating to men, so they should learn to play it down a little bit.  This is sound advice if you’re looking to corral a loser, which I am. 

I am also taught how to broach the subject of religion:

Instead of saying, ‘If my man don’t have God in his life and doesn’t know how to jog for Jesus, there’s no need in him even opening his mouth to me,’ perhaps you can say something like, ‘Sunday is my favorite day of the week because I get to go to church.’

And how to gently break the news that I have children:

Instead of saying, ‘I got three kids and two jobs because these kid’s daddy ain’t worth a damn, so any man steppin to me better have bank and be ready to raise some kids or hit the highway,’ you should say something like, ‘Being a good mom is important to me.’

I see clearly now where I’ve been faltering. 

Thanks, dad.  Five thumbs up.

What Really Grinds My Gears

Do you know what really grinds my gears?  Celebrities with their ridiculous self-reported dimensions.

I always bring books to work at the spa/salon but inevitably find myself reading the trashy magazines provided.  Anyheydewho, a few this month include pieces about the weights and sizes of celebrities, which is pretty standard.  I understand that as someone in the entertainment industry you are going to want to underestimate your lize a little bit, because that’s the way thing are.  But usually, such as in the instance of, say, Scarlett Johannson in this month’s US Weekly, theses celebs flagrantly go into the realm of delusional.  She reportedly lost ten pounds last month, going from 120 to 110.

She is by no means large, but considering that she is two inches shorter than I, there is no way that she is thirty pounds lighter;  especially when you consider that she has me beat by ten pounds in the chestel region alone.  Try again, Johannson.

Next I want to chat about Jennifer Love Hewitt, only because she keeps complaining about how people won’t stop talking about her weight.  The following pics were taken months ago,

and she responded to the criticism with a People mag cover titled “Size 2 isn’t fat!”  Appearing on a cover post-unflattering-pics with “Size 10 isn’t fat!” would have been the empowering statement she was going for whereas maintaining ”Size 2 isn’t fat!” was self-defeating and tragic. Next-

Keira Knightly.  It’s fine if you want to starve yourself in the name of vanity, but please stop talking to everyone in the media about how much you love hamburgers and how fast your metabolism is and how your friends think you’re such a cow because you’re always cramming your face with food and how fabulous your genetics are and so on and so on and stop it. Seek help.

Then there’s Tyra Banks, who is ridiculous in general.  You can’t say this:

Then do this three months later:

thanks a lot for the inspiration, NOT.

I acknowledge that I’m shallow but these are the things in life that cause me great distress.

Factoid

Four people found my blog yesterday by google searching “puffy nipple.”

Sexy Science

Tonight I went to a talk at the library by a one:Tyrone Hayes about Atrazine and amphibians. I couldn’t get any of you to go with me. Sucks to be you, but I will now share a parcel of my acquired knowledge with you.

To start with, he rapped about it:

I wish more Biology specialists were large black men who rapped about their scientific findings. So here’s the schpiel -

Atrazine is a pesticide linked to the recent and sudden death of many frog species globally. It has been proven to cause prostate and breast cancer in humans, and it’s found in most drinking water. The EPA claims the concentrations are ambient. The male field workers who deal directly with the chemical are 24x more likely to die of prostate cancer and have a life expectancy of 50 years. It accumulates in your system and this buildup can biologically effect two of your future generations.

The entire thing is at this address if you happen to have an extra hour.

Thank you for reading that and I’m sorry that it wasn’t entertaining.

Batman Sux

An esteemed colleague of mine at the symphony brought this forum to my attention.  It’s entitled “50 Reasons ‘The Dark Knight’ Sucks.”  I will share the highlights with you.  I assure you these people are being serious as they go by monikers such as ‘Stormchild’ and ‘TechnoHawk’ and their avatars consist of glittering fairies, transformers, etc.  Enjoy.

1. Racism

When the Joker tells the mob they’ve shown their true colors, the camera pans to the only black guys in the room.  What are you trying to tell us, Nolan?

2. Redundancy

Once again, the Batman tees off against Scarecrow in the opening scenes of TDK. What’s that smell, you ask? It’s the nauseating reek of lazy script writing, my friend. It looks like the Nolan brothers discovered copy and paste. Anything for a quick buck, right?

4. Acting

The Joker is supposed to be a villain, yet throughout the movie he is seen smiling. Note to Ledger: you might want to change your facial expression once in a while. It’s called acting.

5. Racism, Part 2

The only black man who does anything noble in this movie is half illiterate: “I’ll do what you should have did 10 minutes ago,” he mumbles. If you look closely at his clothing, you’ll see this man is a prisoner. Hey Nolan: If you can’t afford to hire proper actors for your black characters, then you can’t afford to make the movie. You make me sick.

6. Props

The Joker’s business card didn’t even have a phone number on it. We sent a frame to our digital imaging experts, and this is what they found:

Zoom!

Sharpen!

Contrast!

Invert!

Median Filter!

And there it is. The damning evidence the props department never wanted you to see.

7. Slut!

Minutes after kissing Christian Bale, Maggie Gyllenhaal turns around and snogs Aaron Eckhart. Are these the values we want to instill in our kids?If you’re after a more socially responsible flick, look elsewhere. Try a wholesome animated film such as Space Chimps.

11. What plot holes?

Near the beginning of the film, The Joker tells a group of criminals that he received his facial deformities as a child from his drunken father. Yet not even thirty minutes later, he tells another character a different story entirely!So which is it, Mister Nolan? Or were you just too lazy to decide before visiting the editing room?

12. Magic Trick Photography

A sharp eye and cursory knowledge of cinematography reveal that The Joker’s so-called “disappearing pencil” is not hidden by some supernatural force, but is merely driven into an extra’s eye socket.  Might want to pay a little more attention in the editing room, Nolan.

14. Denouement

Maggie Gyllenhaal, a female lead in an action film, fails to reveal her breasts on several occasions, despite ample opportunity to do so.

19. False Advertising
Look at the title of the movie. Notice anything. The average moviegoer has no way of knowing that the film in question is a Batman movie. This shameless deception must not go unpunished.

23. Internal Logic
If Batman hates criminals so much, then why doesn’t he acknowledge that vigilantism is against the law? It seems to me that he should be turning himself in to custody.

25. Holy Plot Hole, Batman!

We see Jim Gordon take a bullet for the mayor and die. Minutes later he’s holding a gun to the Jokers head. Too cranked up on meth to read the script properly, Nolan?

 26. Common Untruths

During a forgettable car chase, we see the slogan “Slaughter is the best medicine” on the side of a truck. Apparently none of the crew had the balls to stand up and tell Nolan that the correct slogan is “An apple a day is the best medicine”.

 28. Continuity Errors

At one point, Batman’s dead body is discovered hanging by its neck. A few minutes later, Batman re-appears alive and unharmed. These scenes were obviously shown in the wrong order.

 31. Yet Further Continuity Errors Again, Redux
Most of the passengers on the civilian ferry elect to kill the prisoners, yet no one pushes the button to do so. No doubt this scene was tacked on to give the film an “uplifting ending”.

32.Cruelty to Animals
So, our hero saves Gotham City by beating poor defenseless dogs? You’d think that someone who dressed up like a bat would be more sensitive towards animals. When The Darker Knight comes out, we’re guessing that our hero will save the day by drowning a litter of kittens.

37. That’s not punny.

The villain called “the Joker” didn’t tell a single joke. Did anyone else notice this? Seriously, not even a knock-knock joke? Heath’s only attempts at comedy included a magic show, a silly wig, corny catchphrases (”why so serious?”) and a pun. Way to ham it up, Ledger!

38. Uncanny Resemblance

The character of Lucius Fox, a benevolent scientist loyal to Bruce Wayne (AKA The “Dark Knight”), shares the same first name with Lucius Malfoy, an evil and twisted wizard whose only loyalty is to the “Dark Lord” Voldemort.  Note to Chris Nolan: why not just Xerox the Harry Potter books next time? It’ll save you precious minutes when writing your “script”.

42. Hidden Agendas
Let’s see if I’ve got this straight. In the previous installment a Gotham City train nearly destroys the city, and in this film the Joker nearly blows up a ferry? These films are nothing more than blatant anti-public transportation propaganda. No doubt Nolan is in the pocket of the oil companies.

48. More hatred of people in uniform.

During a scene a group of doctors are shown being held by the Joker’s men. Then Batman proceeds to injure all the doctors AND the police who are trying to protect the doctors.

Nolan’s hatred of the medical and law enforcement professions is sickening.

49. Error Continuity

During the interrogation scene, the Joker tells Batman that Harvey Dent is at 250 52nd Street and Rachel Dawes is at Avenue X at Cicero. Batman races to save Rachel. However, when he arrives at Avenue X, it is in fact Harvey Dent that is located there. What’s the matter Chrissy, couldn’t remember the dialogue that occurred less that five minutes ago?

We’ve Gone International

The good people from Struisvogelboerderij Monnikenwerve commented on my post about their farm.  My day has been made.  SHOUT OUT TO ALL MY BELGIUM PEEPS! HOLLA BACK!!!

Oh, And

I’ve been lassoed into this.  Expect something incredible; or rather, incredibly creepy.  This is copy+pasted off of Sirrah’s site (PLUG: twolooseteeth.com)

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me. This offer does have some restrictions and limitations so please read carefully:

1. I make no guarantees that you will like what I make, but I promise to make something that I would like!

2. What I create will be just for you, hand crafted with love.

3. It’ll be done this year (2009). Beyond that, you won’t know in advance when it’s coming.

4. I will not give you any clue what it’s going to be, unless I can’t resist teaser photos or hints on the blog. It will be something that you can hold, not an online gift. It may be weird or beautiful. Or both. Or neither. It might be baked goods. It might be a mix CD or an art project or something made with yarn. I reserve the right to do something extremely strange, if inspired to do so.

6. In return, all you need to do is offer up a note of your own and make something for the first 5 to respond to your note.

7. If I don’t have your mailing address, I’ll send you an email. Just leave a comment below. I can’t wait to surprise you!

Dia De Los Muertos… En Mis Pantalones

I’ve long been fascinated with Mexican oilcloth fabrics. 

 

I Might Be Pregnant

Something’s wrong with me.

 Tonight at the symphony an incredibly elderly woman was sitting next to me.  She chatted me up before the performance about my outfit and such and her daughter kept whispering apologies to me over her shoulder.  During the piece she proceeded to violently conduct along and was a bajizillion times more entertaining than the actual conductor if I do say so myself.  Here’s the best part: during the standing ovation she turned to me and started hugging me and saying something about grandchildren and calling me Kristen, and her daughter politely pried her off of me.  Then for an encore Jon Parker played Rachmaninov Prelude Op.23 (a rather nostalgic piece, in my defense) and she reached over and grabbed my hand.  I looked at her and she was crying, and I started crying.   Ridiculous.  NO ONE MAKES ME CRY AND GETS AWAY WITH IT.  The nerve of some people.

“Ah, Legitimate Theatre!”

We had to write a play for two of our classmates to act out in my bizarrely entertianing theater class.  I couldn’t pass on this opportunity to make everyone feel uncomfortable. Enjoy.

 

 

Steven

Why the innocent look?  Everybody knows already.

 

Kristen

Knows about what?

 

Steven

Oh, spare me.

 

Kristen

I honestly haven’t the slightest idea what you’re talking about.

 

Steven

Fine, you’re innocent.  Do you mind explaining to me why there’s a Shetland pony in the garage?

 

Kristen

So you found Franco…

 

Steven

You know what? I’m sick of it.  I don’t care to hear about your perverse intentions or how much you think you love Franco, you’re selling him on Craigslist… and for real this time.  Don’t think I won’t make sure this time around.

 

Kristen

No! I can’t! You can’t make me!  You don’t know what that pony means to me. And our relationship is strictly platonic, I assure you! Franco listens to me; Franco cares about my day.  The look in his one good eye says, “I understand, I get you.” Do you care about my day? No! You never even ask me about it!

 

Steven

Because you’re always stalking around town, talking to your pony.  Good God, do you know what the townspeople think?

 

Kristen

Oh, let them think what they think, what do they know about it?

 

Steven

Well, all there is to know about it, really… you, a 43-year old high school custodian, in love with a mangy pony.  Tell me, what does Franco have that I don’t have?

 

Kristen

Let’s put it this way: what do you have that Franco doesn’t have? We understand each other- I’m middle-aged, making minimum wage with nowhere to go.  Franco is old- in pony time- and considered useless for recreational riding by children due to a debilitating skin condition.  You see? We’re in the same place right now, and we need each other.

 

Steven

Can he even carry a child? He seems a little small…

 

Kristen

HE’S A PYGMY, STEVEN. That is so like you to say that.  Your insensitivity never fails to amaze me. OF COURSE he can carry children, if they’re 3 years old or under 40 pounds, you jackass. I have to go; I can’t believe I’m having this conversation with you right now.

 

Steven

Wait….

 

Kristen

….

 

Steven

It’s me or Franco.  I can’t do this.

 

Kristen

Oh, please don’t make me choose!

 

Steven

Don’t you see, he’s tearing us apart. Maybe I’m the one who needs attention here, did you ever think of that? Where’s my Franco to whisper sweet nothings to in the garage every night? You’re being selfish!

 

Kristen

Listen, here’s my proposed solution.  Franco moves into the attic.  I’m willing to share my time with him.  You can have the weekends up there to yourself and weekday visitation at my discretion.

 

Steven

Wow, what’s the catch?

 

Kristen

I just want all of us to coexist peacefully, without you squawking about it at the local bar.

 

Steven

Oh please, I don’t have to say a thing.  Do you really think they believe that’s a baby in the stroller you’re pushing around all the time?  I mean, the way you dress him up can be pretty cute, I’ll admit, but what it comes down to is that Franco has a hairy face.  Same with that cardboard box you put over him that’s painted like a racecar; it’s just not convincing, because to start with I’ve never seen a two-foot tall racecar.

 

 

Kristen

Do you have a more practical solution?  The grocery store allows a cardboard racecar whereas they don’t allow a Shetland pony.  You are permitted to see a movie with your hairy baby, but not your pony.  It’s discrimination at its height! I don’t make up the rules.

 

Steven

Well if this is how things are going to be around here, there are going to have to be some changes.

 

Kristen

I’ll do anything to keep Franco, anything!!!

 

Steven

I need your mother to find her own place. Or at least I’d like for us to relocate her outside of our bedroom.

 

Kristen

That’s it. That’s the final straw.  You don’t care about me or anything that I care about, and I see that now.  I’m leaving you, Steven, and I’m taking my mother and my Shetland with me.  I hope you enjoy the rest of your life, alone, rolling in your filthy money in this stupid mansion of yours.  I’m a simple woman with simple needs, and I love Franco.  Say what you will about his mange, or his size, or his cloudy eye—he’s twice the man you’ll ever be. Goodbye.

 

 

END SCENE.

 

Woah

 That last one looks like Russell Brand.  I found these pictures at 2 a.m. and they tripped me out, completely.

“Could You Pull My Sleeve Out Of My Sleeve?”

I don’t wanna creep anybody out with this or anything, but I would just like to share that my sleep paralysis episodes are back.  They are absolutely terrifying and I couldn’t explain it if I tried, but let me try.  You… gain consciousness during REM.. but… can’t move?  So I’m totally paralyzed but sometimes I’ll still be dreaming,but awake, but not aware, and also totally panicking.  Most of the time I try to scream and I can’t, and I think that’s the scariest aspect.  I try telling people about it and I think it really weirds them out; Rachael told me it was physically impossible.  Anyway, I think I need an exorcism is what I’m getting at.  Or maybe just a serious psychiatric evaluation.  Maybe I’ll stop writing in fragments soon.

Speaking of bears, why does it seem like I read every day in the news about a person jumping into an animal’s cage at a zoo and consequently getting injured/killed?  What’s wrong with people?  This is strong evidence against the case of evolution, because woah.  Polar bears will kill you.  Tigers will kill you.  Pandas (while I’ll admit appear welcoming) will kill you.  I guess people don’t know about this stuff.  And now, without further adieu, a laughing baby:

Life… Carless.

Today we were supposed to meet at the zoo for one of my classes and write about it.  I spent almost an hour standing at a bus stop in the pouring rain.  The bus never came.  Public transportation fails me again.  Maybe the folks at UTA should fly to Europe again and check out their bus systems.  Don’t worry guys, we’ll pick up the tab.  I don’t mind, go to Europe with my money, it’s not a problem.  Be sure to hit every city on the continent, because all light rail systems are not made alike.  The Salt Lake City transportation system must exceed anything found in France, because we are considered the Nice of the Western United States.

Good Clean Wholesome Fun

How old is too old to be spending your Friday night prank calling everyone in your phone? I’m going to go with 23 as the cut-off date. 

There are a few hundred more, but my pride prevents me from posting the ones that involve vague attempts at a Bosnian accent, nighttime tree pruning services, or NRA recruitment.

SHOW ME YOUR MOTHERF***ING WARDROBE: Rita Waters-Hernandez-Fuentes

SHOW ME YOUR MOTHERF***ING WARDROBE: Jessica Garcia

April Playlist

This is not very exciting, but I’m going to repost all of the individual songs on here through mediafire for the sake of those who were offput by the pornography.  Maybe I’ll do a second April playlist more exciting than this one… maybe.

Today is Saturday and I am not working because as it turns out the symphony has a spring break.  I ain complainin.  April is already killing me softly.  I’ve been complaining about my group project to anyone who will pretend to listen, but in case you haven’t heard me lament about Fratboy McHiggins I will just share with you his top quotation from our group presentation (we were doing [supposed to be doing] a rhetorical analysis of a website):

“…. and I think it’s great that there’s the option to view the site in Spanish, because it shows that they’re reaching out to the lower class.”

OMG Sir Frat, we just failed and I might actually hate you.  So I’m praying to make it out of this debacle with a C-.  Yep, 69% is all I can hope for at this point, but I keep myself motivated with the light at the end of the tunnel that is “Raising Backyard Chickens” this summer. 

Hopefully you can figure it out from here: It’s A Strange Magic Musical Archives

Until next time, au revoir mes amis!