Howler Bats

Reader Submission: Katie Manolopoulos

How delighted was I to wake up and discover this in my inbox?  Because this is the first reader submission, I’ll let it slide, but for future reference these must be accompanied by a mortifying picture from your youth.  Other than that, there are no guidelines. You can literally write anything. Anonymous identities are not discouraged.  In case this isn’t clear, I am fishing for some really crazy stuff. Thank you for your compliance.

Send all submissions to: kaeleighkaeleigh@aol.com. 

First I would like to inform you that my gay roommate matthew likes to wake up every morning to a lovely mix of beyonce, pink, lady gaga, miley cyrus, kelly clarkson, etc. He also likes to play this exact same mix in evening before bed. I feel as though I am living in a horrible teen movie where the soundtrack of my life is being d.j.ed by power 99.1 and the theme is scorned women.

Second I have been having trouble sleeping and thus having to find ways to occupy my time and instead of being productive and studying I have started doing some old school creative writing. Seeing as how I no longer have 5,000 blogs and refuse to start one I would like to submit a piece for your consideration as a possible guest blog. I would like you to know that there is no pressure for you to accept my submission and if you do accept feel free to edit/change it as I have the writing and grammar skills of a 3 year old. At the very least I hope you will be entertained on a topic we have discussed before but has recently come back to my attention. I don’t have a title for it but here it is:

When one grows up in a relatively small town and attend public school there is a good chance that he or she may miss out on some key life lessons. Such as, when I moved to Seattle to begin college I discovered that I had absolutely no study skills. This I attribute to Mrs. Creed who held me back from going on to the more advanced math class in the 6th grade because of one B+. This set the precedent of me never having to study as a result of never really being challenged in school (especially in math class). Another discovery was that sex education failed me miserably. I’m sorry but a creepy middle-aged male “Health” teacher showing me a tampon and a video of a baby emerging from the womb does not give me everything I need to know about sex and my body. It also didn’t help that I grew up in a catholic family where my parents had only every dated each other and waited till marriage. Their idea of sex ed was popping in a semi-animated explanatory VHS for my 10 year old sister to watch and then having me (at the age of 7) tag along to kill two birds with one stone. The only further education my mother saw fit was to inform me of the most bizarre and least likely ways that a woman could get pregnant: “Katie, you need to know that if a man touches a pair of underwear that he has recently worn and then touches a pair of your underwear and then you put those underwear on, you could get pregnant….” In addition to that there was also the occasional need for her to update me on the latest sexual terminology while I was trapped in the car: “Honey, do you know what a ‘baller’ is?… It’s a man with—(making a cupping motion with her hand)—you know big….(cupping motion)…”

Needless to say, once I broke out of the bubble that is the Tri-Cities, and my family, I proceeded to educate myself where my Health classes had failed. Since then I’ve considered myself to be fairly informed about the human body and reproduction until TLC threw me curveball in the form of the show “I didn’t know I was pregnant.” It started out as a one hour special but recently it has turned into it’s own show because an obscene amount women are innocently going to the bathroom and finding babies in their toilets when they go to flush. WHAAAAAAAT?!?! Even though I first saw the show a few years ago, and stopped watching it because it is ridiculous, it was brought back to my attention when my grandma mentioned that someone she knew had a daughter that didn’t know she was pregnant and all the sudden popped out a kid. This got me doing some research on the show and how these women did not know they were pregnant. Then I started to get worried. I haven’t been having unprotected sex with every man that I meet but I do have a male roommate, and we do share a bathroom, and according to my mother toilet seats can get you pregnant if you aren’t careful. So lets say I am pregnant as a result of Immaculate Conception, the scary part is that I am a perfectly normal female that hasn’t experienced massive weight gain and has regular periods. Why is that scary? Apparently I could be having what I think are periods but are in fact a “pseudo period” where everything seems like its that time of the month but its not! Also a fetus can be really small and really sneaky and tuck itself away and not move so I can’t feel anything and it’s size isn’t causing me to gain a bunch of weight. The worst part is that home pregnancy tests can give false negatives so it doesn’t matter if I pee on a thousand sticks and they all say negative I could still be pregnant. How am I supposed to every know?!? In theory I could go to a doctor and find out for sure but I don’t have the insurance or the funds to do that so I guess I’ll just have to keep an eye out every time I go to the bathroom for the rest of my life. On the off chance that I do get knocked up without knowing I hope my fetus likes ungodly amounts of caffeine and cake.

For further information on this topic google “I didn’t know I was pregnant is that a baby in your pants?”

Katie Manolopoulos is a scholar and anti-whale activist living in Seattle.  Learn more about her here.

Insect Action

Sometimes I am reading my Behavioural Ecology textbook and I feel as though it has turned into a Sci-Fi novel.  For instance, on pg.184 (don’t read if you think you might be squeamish about insect junk):

Males often compete in ways which are less conspicuous than fights, but are no less effective.  The invertebrates are a particularly rich seam of examples.  Females dragonflies, as with many other insects, mate with a number of males and store the sperm in a special sac (the spermatheca) in the body for use at a later date.  The males compete for fertilizations by trying to ensure that previous sperm is not used by the female.  The penis of a male Orthetrum cancellatum is equipped with a barbed whip at the end which is used to scrape out of the female any sperm left by previous males.  Crocethemis erythraea, another dragonfly, uses an inflatable penis with a horn-like appendage to pack the sperm of previous males into corners of the spermetheca. 

In some invertebrates the male cements the female after copulation to prevent other males from fertilizing her.  The males of Moniliformes dubius, a parasitic acanthocephalan worm in the intestine of rats, produces a chastity belt of this kind but in addition to sealing up the female after copulation, the male sometimes copulates with rival males and applies cement to their genitals, preventing them from being able to mate again.  No less remarkable are the habits of the hemipteran insect Xylocoris maculipennis.  A male Xylocoris may inject his sperm into a rival male.  The sperm then swim to the victim’s testes, where they will be passed on to the next female that the victim mates.

What?!?! Is someone messing with me? Man, that mother nature is one crazy hussy.

In other news, did anyone see the Lenoid meteor shower?  I desperately tried to stay awake, to no avail.  I’m not as young as I once was.

 

needs/wants/desires

I have conveniently made a shopping list for everyone to purchase my christmas/hannukuh/birthday presents from.  Due to the struggling economy I have selected items below the $300 mark out of consideration for your budget constraints.  You’re welcome.

messenger bag:

Celestron Powerseeker, for looking into the sun:

‘nocs, for birdwatching and neighborwatching:

 

MET Jewelry (I don’t have a boyfriend and the immediate outlook is not promising, so someone has to pick up the slack in the jewelry department):

Moroccan tea set:

keyboard (full and weighted, more specifically):

Terrarium (didn’t know I needed this til jil told me):

 

Bike(found here):

There. I don’t think that’s too much to ask for.  I know you all won’t let me down.

Fuzzy Memories- S.H.O.U.T.

In high school, I was briefly associated with an extracurricular club called S.H.O.U.T. – Students Helping Others to Understand Tobacco[1].  How I got involved with a topic I felt such indifference toward I do not recall.  Someone probably convinced me that it was great resume fodder.  Anyway.  S.H.O.U.T. would schedule stings during the school’s lunch hour where the students go around to local businesses and attempt to illegally buy cigarettes.  If anyone actually succeeds at doing so they are to inform the guilty business of the impending $300 fine.  What high-schooler would volunteer their spare time for such a completely lame undertaking? The future raging alcoholics of eastern Washington, that’s who. (I’m fairly certain in retrospect that ciggarettes were the least of most S.H.O.U.T. participant’s problems).  My first and only meeting attendance was a prep course for successfully suckering people into selling you ciggs.  The teacher who ran the club advised the girls to wear lipstick and pull their hair back for the big day in order to look older.  A list of cigarette brands was distributed and we were to all take turns doing a practice run-through of our script, which read “Hello, may I please have some insert cigarette brand?”  I am called upon and I say in my most casual voice, “Hello, may I please have some Kools?”  Everyone erupts into laughter and the teacher condescendingly says, “Kaeleigh, Kools are for black people.”  I never returned.  Thus ended my stint in anti-drug activism.

High School- a confusing time for everyone

It's so obvious now

---

[1] Katie Manolopoulos, text message

Launching a Frigate

 

SOCIALISM!!!!!!AAAAHHHHH

I am amused by all of the people who are reacting to the new health care bill with, “that’s it, I’m moving” because, are you moving to Qatar?  Every place in the world where you would actually want to live has a health care system that you hate.

Read em and weep:

Key details of health overhaul bill

The House health care bill passed Saturday would do the following:

» Require most Americans to purchase health insurance or pay a fine.

»Expand health care coverage to 36 million more people over the next decade.

»Require employers with payrolls above $500,000 to provide insurance to their employees or pay a fine.

»Prohibit insurance companies from denying coverage because of pre-existing medical conditions.

»End premium disparities between men and women.

»Impose a 5.4 percent income tax surcharge on income above $500,000 annually for individuals and above $1 million annually for households.

»Establish a government-run insurance plan to compete with private insurers beginning in 2013.

»Cost $1.2 trillion over 10 years.

»Cut Medicare spending by more than $400 billion over 10 years.

The Associated Press

 

How did Utah vote? A trio of nos

 »R Utah’s House members voted against passage of the Affordable Health Care for America Act.

 Rob Bishop » R, ‘no’

Jim Matheson » D, ‘no’

Jason Chaffetz » R, ‘no’

No where does this provide that the upper-tax bracket pay for my abortions.  Democracy fails me again. I AINT PAYIN FOR THE LOW-INCOME LAZY JACKASSES OF THE WORLD TA GET DOCTORED, YOU KEEP THE HEALTH PLAN AND I’LL KEEP THE CHANGE, etc.  Wait, I qualify as low-income? Nevermind. Play on, Pelosi. On to senate! Long live public option. Conclusive fragment.

Fuzzy Memories

Halloween ca.1999.  Am I supposed to be a baby?!  I don’t get it.

 

Seymour the Symphony Seagull

Just another day at work.

The Archives- 9/07

Here are some pictures of the apartment (shall I say, “garbage dump”) that Natalie, Rachael, and I shared before we broke up.  We documented it with pictures…because we were so proud? Only a serious meth addiction could justify this decor, but our meth usage was strictly recreational. 

what up with that?

The Archives: 6/22/07

I’ve decided to post old stuff from ye ole myspace blog so I can delete it.  This material is not really worth preserving, but I’m going to go ahead and publish it for my posterity.

I live in a hotel.

online customer reviews of The Plaza:

“This hotel brings new meaning to the word scummy.  Located next to the greyhound bus station, if you stay here you will be located with the following… (1). Transients looking for cigarettes near the lobby area (begging you for money). (2) Prostitutes going into the hotel to meet with their clients. (3) The worst restaurant in Salt Lake “J.B.’s” located inside the hotel. (4) Last but not least you will witness several confrontations with drunken transients near the lobby entrance.  This hotel is just scummy. The furniture does not match and the carpet is all torn up. The rooms are old and outdated. We have never been so insulted. If you stay here you ar either really brave or really stupid. The rates are high and you will leave feeling like you have just been mugged. Without question this is the worst hotel in Salt Lake. AWFUL! AWFUL! AWFUL!”

“The bedding was dirty with mustard, ketchup stains and who knows what else.”

“Extreme constant noise (screaming and banging) last night.”

“This place was horrible. It was my honeymoon and there were no gift baskets available so we got a voucher for breakfast, which turned out to be disgusting.”

“With a name like the Plaza Hotel, I pictured something very nice. Instead, it was noticeably old and outdated. There was a loud explosion at 2 am that could’ve raised the dead. Very concerning!”

“Terrible hotel. I travel 200+ nights a year and stay in hotels and this hotel was definately in the top two worst.”

“Luckily we did not have to spend too much time in the room, which I found depressing. Dark, old decorations and furniture. Air conditioner blows extremely loudly all night, toilet ran. Fridge didn’t work. Ice machine didn’t work. Showerhead leaked. Bathroom light is on a TIMER! TV was fuzzy. Elevators were slow. Pool was grubby and FREEZING. JBS, next door, has slow service and barely adaquate food. Front desk clerks know nothing. The “balcony” is about 14 inches wide- you can’t even stand sideways, let alone sit!”

“There’s construction going on all around until about 10:30 pm. Then the air in the plumbing started to make very constant and loud noises. This went on all night long. Then at about 5:00 am, the construction began again.”

This is where I live. 

so your cat wants a massage?

 Headed up to washington tomorrow…. booyah! This was shown to me today at work. enjoy: 

Fuzzy Memories

Natalie Mitchell, ca. 1999

tribune public forum

In our face

Updated: 09/28/2009 01:11:37 PM MDT

 Never in my life have I seen such a phenomenon as we Americans are seeing take place right now. It seems that President Barack Obama is constantly in our face, whether it be television news and entertainment shows, e-mail and the Internet, radio, newsprint and on and on. This man seems to have an insatiable craving for public attention. Or is it that as they see their numbers falling, the president and his Democrat machine are getting so intensely desperate that this strategy is seen as necessary to bolster support for the sliding administration. It reminds me of the cinematic great imperial leader from on high addressing his poor, ignorant subjects.

I can hardly wait until 2012 when maybe — just maybe — the American people will have wised up and see through this man. However, my hopes for either party are growing dim. It seems like we will always love lies better than truth.

Steve Cannon

Salt Lake City

Ubiquitous Obama

Updated: 10/02/2009 06:47:34 PM MDT

I couldn’t agree more with Steve Cannon’s assessment on President Barack Obama and his media saturation (“In our face,” Forum, Sept. 29).  Every time I turn on the news, there he is, telling us what he is doing. He doesn’t seem to want to just “take care” of these issues without keeping us — or Congress — unnecessarily informed. Didn’t we elect him to “just handle it” so we don’t have to think about these things?

There he is one minute, meeting with citizens to explain the need for health care reform, the next he’s meeting with leaders from the Middle East seeking for a solution to the Israel-Palestine crisis, then he’s at the United Nations promoting American interests. Who in the hell does he think he is … the president of the United States?

Maybe in 2012 we can elect someone less ostentatious.  Someone who won’t worry about the constitutionality of their actions or trouble us citizens with the nasty details of secret policies. Then we can just go back to watching our regular television programs, and everything will be fine.

Ken McCabe

Bluffdale

October 2nd – prep time

I like to fully commit myself to Halloween.  I tend to take it in the opposite direction from my peers in that I make an effort to make myself look worse than I do in my day-to-day lifem,and I do this by dressing as generally unattractive celebrities.  Last year I was a Jonas:

 

And then the year before I nailed the Amy Winehouse:

 

But this year is going to be the greatest feat of them all:

Actually, the greater challenge is probably going to be Jil’s because she’s going to have to go blackface.

Does anyone have a wooden cane I can borrow?  Or a rolling whiteboard?

diurnal fair weather electric fields

Today will be 50 with a chance of snow! Go fig.  Last night’s lightning was cool as hell, man. Weather report courtesy of the itsastrangemagic.wordpress.com  meteorology team. 

I don’t think anyone cares when I post music (or anything else for that matter), but I’m gonna do it again anyway. Cuz it’s my damn blog– love it or leave it.  To hell with all of you, here’s some rainy day music.

St.Vincent- These Days

Chopin- Nocturne 9 in D-flat maj, op27 no2

Volcano Choir- IS

Duke Ellington- Harlam Airshaft

Benoit Pioulard- Ash Into Sky

EITS- look into the air

bacon is good for me

hello.

Do you ever find yourself annoyed at the inconvenience of having to pull over and wait for an ambulance or fire truck to pass you? And then you’re like, oh yeah, somewhere someone’s dying.

Jil and Valori have abandoned me for NY and yet this house is full of people right now.  You’d be surprised at how many homeless squatters they associate with.

I have to go work an 11-hour day now.

Read: Krugman9/25

Goodbye.

Jennifer Love Hewitt Fans Welcome Here

You know, when I made this blog I didn’t set out to be the internet haven for all things Jennifer Love Hewitt, but the universe willed it so and thusly verily it has come to pass.  Here are the stats for what people are searching to find this blog:

 

Look at the freaks that are inadvertently finding me.  Puffy Nipples with 205? And you should know that Puffy Nipple (singular) just missed the top 13 with 116 searches.  I have yet to discuss puffy nipples here, despite my wealth of knowledge on the subject.  And Taylor Lautner has never been so much as mentioned on this site; in fact I thought that was a girl until I just looked it up.  Well let me tell you, the idea that so many people are leaving here unsatisfied just doesn’t jive well with me.  So since this is fastly becoming the internet’s Taylor Lautner resource, I figure I should give the people what they want.  Without further adieu:

Here’s his biography that I found on imbd:

Taylor Lauter was born Lauren Taylor in the year 1992.  He was born into the Idaho northern shishone tribe and began operating his own buffet counter at the reservation’s 2nd to 6th most successful casino at the age of 10.  His prodigious culinary career ended abruptly when some poorly prepared shrimp that was traced (allegedly) to his cart resulted in the cancellation of Collective Soul’s labor day performance.  Shunned from the reservation, he sought refuge at the Los Angeles Institute of Mimery.  He initially found success in the field, until he progressed to the intermediate classes only to find that his mimed boxes would never meet the standard of the LAIM’s headmistress (whom Taylor referred to as “head bitch”) and she consequently pulled his scholarship.  Distraught and homeless, Taylor kept himself afloat the best way he knew how: discreet nightly favors for the elderly.  As luck would have it, Ang Lee’s grandmother was his best customer.  She ended up hiring Taylor for Ang’s 54th birthday.  Ang was impressed, and made Taylor into a huge movie star who to this day he makes the elderly women swoon.  They troll the internet nightly for obscure blogs mentioning his name.  Taylor currently resides with his alpaca in Irvine, CA.  He ended up getting a pretty serious urinary tract infection last year.

- imbd

Greetings From Denver

Found these in my inbox:

the physics show

It was really surprising when Winona Ryder came out onto the stage to sing at the Arctic Monkeys show, but it was a beautiful experience nonetheless.

The most normal photo we could produce:

shiantology

A while back, Amelia introduced me to Shiantology.com : where I go to meet like-minded people and display all of my previously unappreciated shia labeouf artwork (lovingly referred to on the site as “Creashians” or “ShiArt”).  My favorite would have to be the labeouf-pattinson conglomerate piece.  Read ‘em and weep.

martyr of the month

This baby can be found at Peterskirche in Munich.  Munditia here is posed in a casual recline and has been fully bedazzled.  

Full Resolution

So I don’t know if writing something on your blog makes it legally binding, but my family can take note that this is a fine example of how I would like my remains to be treated and displayed.  Instead of placing them in a church, however, I would like to be located in the entrance of the Crown Burger on 200 S. 

And I figured out how I’m going to die when I was at the state fair.  They had a windowed semi-truck full of sharks on display.  I want to get in an accident with said truck (highly probable) and then have the sharks finish the job.

“who so binds to himself a joy, doth it’s winged life destroy”

Party Everyday

Went to see the Yeah Yeah Yeah’s on Sunday:

And I went to the Utah State Fair on Tuesday:

What can I say, I live the life of a Salt Lake City socialite.  I’ve gotta take it easy for a while.

Here are a couple of songs for all y’all:

Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros

God bless.

Babies against debt….or are they?

It really doesn’t sit well with me when people utilize their children to further their cause.  I don’t know, though, because this seems okay:

But the rest of these really don’t:

Maybe it’s because the kid in the first picture made his own sign and appears to understand what it’s for? I don’t know, call me old fashioned… I think that 6 year olds shouldn’t have to be worried about the trading of human organs or our national debt.  No need to bring such things to their consciousness for a while.  Perhaps I’m wrong.  But it’s still upsetting to see them being strategically used for emotional impact.  And as far as tacking a poster behind your 6 mo. old baby’s head goes …just don’t do it.  Bottom line: babies can’t protest, and you just don’t know–  your baby might just be totally for debt.  Don’t assume your baby holds your same convictions; just because it can’t talk doesn’t mean it doesn’t have it’s own opinion concerning the privitization of social security.

Fuzzy Memories

Being molested on the streets of Prague as my friends did exactly nothing (and continued to roll tape).

Living in Squalor

I’ve attempted to preserve what I can of my own sanity by abstaining from television over the last few years.  I will usually wait until my next visit home where my parents have recorded everything worth watching (plus much worth not watching, i.e., Two and a Half Men), and I’ll fill my tele quota for the entire year within a couple of days.  Well, moving in with Bossi changed the entire ballgame.  These people love their TV more than Elizabeth Hasslebeck loves third trimester abortions (she loves them).  Yesterday, we watched:

-4 hours (!) of House

-2 hours of Design Star

-1 hour of Hoarders

And there aren’t signs of stopping anytime soon, as I’ve committed myself mind, body and soul to finishing 5 seasons of House.  Bosses are also enabling my burgeoning hoarding tendencies, as all of this television watching has hindered my ability to set up my room and cease living out of the boxes still covering my floor.  I solemnly watch hoarders with a deep fear of my own imminent reality when animal control discovers 35 cat carcasses amid my room squalor and I’m begging them to let me keep 13 out of the 74 one-eyed feral cats that are found barely alive.

I think that the solution to a lot of my problems right now begins with getting a new bike.

photos from B.

Rendezvousing

Partied hard in Wyoming this weekend: 

Walton Ford @ Brooklyn Museum

Infanticidal Dance Recital

It’s weird how the invention of the internet hasn’t made everyone a total genius.  In fact, it’s made most people with access exponentially lazier.  Back in the old days (1992) if you had a spontaneous question you just had know the answer to, like, “how old is Denis Leary*?” you would have had to drag yourself to the public library and see if they had any Denis Leary publications.  I hazily remember my middle school days when doing a report still meant necessary library research.  These days, kids can wait until midnight the night before and then just AskJeeves about it (or maybe that’s just my strategy and I’m underestimating everyone else).  After so many glorious years of internet access, everyone should know everything about everything. However, it is not so.  The problem is that, as a people, we are more apt to research porn or homestarunner or collegehumor or perezhilton or etc. than quantum chemistry during our free time. I wonder how dead chemists feel about the results of their efforts, seeing as it’s all currently available for anyone in the world to see yet their wikipedia page recieves 100% less visits than McCully Culkin’s.  Today in class I thought to myself, ”It’s so tragic how all of the these people we’re talking about spent thier entire lives studying one very specific thing so that they could contribute something to the academic world; yet here I am sitting and being told about the results of all these peoples’ lifetime work and all I can think about is how much I want a sandwhich.”

*Denis Leary is 52 years old

 

Yo

check this out: western soundscape

I’m going to the Fort Bridger Mountain Man Rendezvous this weekend.

that’s bout it

Fetaljuice pt.2

ATMOS 3110 Atmospheric Sci:

All,

Unfortunately we have experienced an emergency evacuation during our class today. Supposedly we should resume the class after the alarm was over. However, only one of you return to the class so I have to cancel the class.

Anyhow, just remind you that for any event like this in the future, please do not simply leave the area.

Due to the interrupt today, I would like to postpone all homeworks due on Wednesday (Sep. 02) to this coming Friday (which means the new due day of homeworks will be September 4).  

Zhaoxia Pu

Fetaljuice

I went to my Meteorology class today. My professor is a nice Chinese woman named Dr. Pu (poo.)  She is difficult to understand. Molecules = muh-lick-you-lulls, kelvin= karen, area = errrr, etc.  Today she began lecturing and the fire alarm went off.  She immediately began hyperventilating.  We all (there are 6 other people in my class) just kind of sat there and stared for a while (awkward to the max).  Then my classmates had to carry her down 8 flights of stairs.  Evidentally the AC man had accidentally set off the alarm. 

The ironic moment of the day was when I passed a classroom door that had a note attached saying:

 ”Health Care in America” has been cancelled

 indeed.

 Comments on this week’s P.R.

 -I really like Shirin, but her cutsey voice sucks.

-R.I.P. Malvin. 

-Down with Mitchell. 

-Irina is also tops.

-Qristyl(??????)

 

Carry on

Keep Smiling Always

The homeless of Salt Lake City are seeking refuge behind my place of business, as evidenced by the fresh batch of human fecal matter we happened upon the other day.  So we created a sign; something to the effect of ‘do not defecate on these premises.’  The next day we were left a plea of innocence scrawled on a piece of cardboard (I’m sorry I accidentally cut some of it off):

Translation:

I Wade John Miles did not shit on the back porch

Yes I do sleep here often

I try to always clean up after myself

Thank you and also keep smiling always no matter what

Strange Magic Featured Artist of the Year, Every Year: Valori Boss

Valori Boss is a local artist sponsored by itsastrangemagic.wordpress.com.  It’s only right that we should allow her some blog space.  For pricing information, contact her agent at kaeleighkaeleigh@aol.com.

annnnnd we’re back

Here’s what’s happening:

1) I went to Washington for Rachael’s wedding. Pics (short for pictures) here

2) Moving into the Boss House (hence my current lack of internet access.  I write to you now from the desk of the Salt Lake Art Center.)

3) Trying to come up with $2000 before monday so that I might school

4) Loving that Project Runway is back on– it is my world.

5) Lamenting that I just found out this library is in the Rijksmuseum and I didn’t see it when I was there:

6) Bidding on a slew of antique busts on eBay (including this mozart that I won for $10), further compounding my tuition dilemma:

7) waiting for the Peter Popoff miracle spring water sample that Jil ordered to come in so that God can free up some funds for me and rid me of my crystal meth addiction

Mongoose vs. Cobra

I really want to buy one of these and place it prominently in the middle of my living room table so that the following scenario will play out:

new acquaintance visiting apartment: WOW, what’s that?

*dramatic pause*

me:  it’s a f***ing cobra wrestling a mongoose.

Finally saw 500 Days of Summer today– thought it was great.  However, I may have been easy to please because the last movie I had watched was Labor Pains (starring Lindsay Lohan), and that will lower your standards.  And how.

On the television front, Wife Swap’s where it’s at right now as far as I’m concerned. Today we watched this episode featuring an Iowa family that inexpicably lives on a diet of raw chicken:

That’s what’s happening in my life right now.

best song ever

 

I  gotta feeling

 that tonight’s gonna be a good night

that tonight’s gonna be a good night

 that tonight’s gonna be a good, good night

 let’s do it

 let’s do it

 let’s do it

 let’s do it

 let’s do it

 let’s do it

 let’s do it

 let’s do it

 let’s do it

 I  gotta feeling

 that tonight’s gonna be a good night

 that tonight’s gonna be a good night

that tonight’s gonna be a good, good night

 look at her dancing

 fill up my cup

 mozoltov!

 I gotta feeling

 that tonight’s gonna be a good night

that tonight’s gonna be a good night

 that tonight’s gonna be a good, good night

 party everyday

 party everyday

party everyday

party everyday

 p-p-p-p-party everyday

 monday, tuesday, wednesday, thursday, friday, saturday, sunday

 I gotta feeling

 that tonight’s gonna be a good night

that tonight’s gonna be a good night

 that tonight’s gonna be a good, good night (x83)

 - “I Gotta Feeling” by Black Eyed Peas

Strategic Challenges

Excuse me, wtf?

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/09/science/earth/09climate.html?_r=1&ref=us

“But a growing number of policy makers say that the world’s rising temperatures, surging seas and melting glaciers are a direct threat to the national interest.”

California falling into the pacific is against national interest? Well then, why are we talking about it instead of fighting somebody? I vote Ghana, because those suckers burn rainforests like it’s their job (it is most of their jobs). Whatever happened to preemptive striking, people?  Or am I not in America right now?  Also, I would be curious to see a list of our national interests, because I was never personally polled, here.

“Such climate-induced crises could …feed terrorist movements”

So… just for my clarification, we aren’t concerned about the crises themselves? 

And I think it’s always threatening to national security to publish potential threats to national security on the front page of the NYT; just kind of seems self-defeating is all I’m sayin.

All in all, a glaring moment of weakness for America.

1.Never expose weakness

2.Never admit defeat

3.Livestrong

4.No regrets

5.No fear

6.If you can’t run with the big dogs get on the porch with the pups

7.God bless America and the Coalition of the Willing.

(that was a comprehensive list of my national interests for all politicians reading this.)

Flycatcher Behavoir

Yesterday at work I had a conversation so ridiculous that I was convinced one of my friends was on the other line:

Utah symphony and opera, this is kaeleigh

What shows are tonight?

There’s a chamber symphony performance at Temple Har Shalom in Park City.

Teskaparkapone?

Temple Har Shalom?

Petertartatone?

……..

spell it, I’m gonna google it.

T-E-M-

G???

-T-

P?!??

T as in Tom. E as in Ed.

G???!???

…. okay. Do you know our website? It’s on the website.

Oh, okay. Hang on a sec.*20 seconds later* Here it is. Templahasalome. I’m looking at it.  It looks like a church or something. (the website provides a picture of a large building with a star of david on top.)

yeah.

What is this, like, Muslim?

I’m convinced this is a joke at this point so I pause for a good 5 seconds so as to allow my friend to reveal their identity to me.

Jewish, actually

JEWISH?!?! Woah…. So they’re playing Jewish music?

It’s just a chamber symphony performance.

So it’s a Jewish opera.  (?!??)

uhh… well, what it is is a chamber symphony performance. Like Beethoven and Stravinsky.

Ohhh so the people playing the instruments are all Jewish. hmmmm…

…no. Did you want to buy tickets?

Do I have to be Jewish to get in?

It’s a symphony performance, like they have at Abravanel Hall, except for that it’s at a different place. Same thing, though.

Oh, no, I don’t want to see that.

……………………..

……………………….

alright….well….bye then….

*heavy sigh* …………….I might be calling back later  *click*

–end scene–

So if that actually was one of you, I just wanted to say thanks.  All I know is that someone has inspired me to write a Jewish Opera for the good people of Park City.

Adaptation and Edie Roberson

I have developed a Darwinian adaptaion to help myself to cope with awkwardness.  I think if you try this out you’ll see that it works.  So here’s the trick: after a painfully uncomfortable situation, (say, someone trys to hold a door open for you but you tragically mistime the situation [because it turns out to be a handicapped (thusly ultra-heavy) door] therefore you unfortunately end up walking right into said person), what you need to do is cinematically replay the scenario in your mind, but with a pleasant song from your favorite rom-com movie soundtrack.  When you do the playback, watch your self-perception change from “I am painfully socially awkward” to “I am so charmingly quirky.  A regular Diane Keaton.”

Without further adieu, some paintings by local sorcerous Edie Roberson:

holllllaaa

MTV Cribs l Saranderson

We were feelin extra giggly.

Cake Wrecks

Someone introduced me to this site today, and now I’ve spent two hours of my shift staring at it.

“Cool Cowboy Gift”

Nooooo its not the Marlboro Man its a squirrly little dude with a cowboy hat smokin a cigarette. Hi actually you are bidding on a grey squirrel shoulder mount this is a custom mount on a form that I designed it has the head and shoulders for a more realistic look I added a little cowboy hat ,bandana, and a little cigarette ,They would make great cowboy gifts or just a real good conversation piece. I would like you to check my 100% feedback and see how pleased every one has been with my squirrels so you can bid with confidence. 

Hay is that Juan Valdez the Columbian coffee Guy NAW just a squirrly little dude with a straw hat on, Hi actually you are bidding on a grey squirrel I just added a little straw hat, bandana,I even added a little ciggarett in his mouth just adds a little caracter.I would like you to check my 100% feedback and see how pleased every one has been with my squirrels so you can bid with confidence. Could that be Rambo naw just a squirrley little dude with a Gi Joe gun. Hi actually you are bidding on a grey squirrel I added a little army helmet Gi Jo gun, and a little cigarett in his mouth which can be removed( just adds a little caractor),This is a top quality mount as you can see buy the pictures.They are mounted on and attractive wood plaque stained and sealed and a nice hanger on the back. . I would like you to check my 100% feed back and see how pleased every one has been with my squirrels so you can bid with confidence.I ship quickly most arrive in 2 or 3 days.

I call this one Old Poker Face you can stare him in the eyes for hours and you will never see him blink he’s the best I have ever seen. Hi actually you are bidding on a mounted grey squirrel wearing a Cowboy hat a bandana around his neck a ciggarett in his mouth (which can be removed just makes him look more like a poker player)He is holding four of a kind and a joker they are real cards not the thin paper ones the Old bubble gum machine cards.He is mounted on a stained and sealed wood plaque with a metal hanger on the back this is a top quality mount as you can see from the pictures. I would like you to check my feedback and see how pleased every one has been with my squirrels so you can bid with confidence

A Plea to The Travel Channel

Hear me out: I can do Samantha Brown’s job so much better than Samantha Brown.  I want for you to fund my travels around the world; in return I’ll snake charm your television audience.  John 4:83– know thine enemy.  I looked up her credentials on wikipedia, and do you know what? Bitch don’t have any.  She graduated from some obscure college with a degree in musical theatre.  This isn’t surprising though, because anyone can see from watching 1 minute of her show that she doesn’t know one damn language.  In the first few minutes of her Paris episode she’s all, “the only thing you’ll need to know how to say in French is ‘I want.’”  Then the rest of the thing is her wandering around with that goofy-ass smile asking people for stuff.  I can do that.  How bout letting someone sexier with endless cosmopolitan charm (me) step up the plate, travel channel? But consider yourself warned: don’t put me on tv if you hate money. Check my resume:

I’ll be anxiously awaiting your phone call.

scholarly pursuits

I have to give a presentation on culturally different communication styles.  Thought I’d kick things off with a racist cartoon:

s’il vous plait, puis-je dormir doucement avec votre chat ce soirz?

Signing up for summer classes might have been a little ambitious.  Next week is the last of the semester.  I am, as they say in the old country, “screwed”. Gottalotta papers that need to be written, gottalotta assignments overdue, have a few tests to cram for. I don’t know when this is going to happen, looking at my 50 hour work-week schedule.  God help me.  Anyways, just spent some time doin this artwork for all y’all:

My last.fm radio station is for whatever reason convinced that I’m French.  I suppose it knows me better than I know myself.  I’m a little surprised by how much  I like the music of that one shameless trollop married to france’s main dude. 

Jacques Dutronc- et moi, et moi, et moi

France Gall- Laisse Tomber Les Filles

carla bruni- le ciel dans une chambre

petula clark- un jeune homme bien (a well respected man)

wanderlust

Should I be embarassed that I found this site on Courtney Love’s twitter? Cuz I’m not.